SEXUAL ORIENTATION ISSUES

There is a growing acceptance of minority sexual orientations (gay, lesbian, bisexual) in the United States today, however there is still a long way to go. Those who identify as gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender (GLBT) can face a good deal of discrimination within their communities, families and sometimes even within themselves.

Common concerns for people who are questioning their sexual orientation include:

• How do I know if I am gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender?
• I may be comfortable with my sexual orientation, but my parents are not, what do I do?
• My church is not accepting of my sexual orientation, what do I do?
• If I am gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender, do I have to act like the people I’ve seen in the pride parade in order to be accepted in the GLBT community?
• My partner and I are having relationship problems, how do we find a therapist who understands our unique concerns?
• I am a transgender person. How do I start living fully as I really am?
• How do I deal with prejudice, discrimination or abuse due to my GLBT status?

 

Obviously these and many other questions can and do come up for GLBT persons. Having someone to talk with is often a good option. If you cannot find a “mentor” (someone who has been “out” for a while and willing to talk with you about these issues), other options include talking to a friend who is open and accepting, reading, or locating a “gay affirmative therapist”.

 

Coming Out

“Coming Out” is the phrase that is often used to describe the process of coming to accept a minority sexual orientation and then when/how/if to tell loved ones. Sexual orientation is believed by many to be set at birth and therefore, is not changeable. However, some people may recognize that they are sexually attracted to persons of the same gender, but decide to not embrace a GLBT identity. In addition, those who identify as GLBT may chose to never “out” themselves or may chose to do so only in limited, safer situations. Realizing that you identify as GLBT can be a frightening experience. There is no one answer to the question, “Am I gay?” You may begin by asking yourself if you are sexually, emotionally and romantically attracted to someone of the same sex. If so, then you may wish to begin to look for more information through reading, meeting GLBT persons, talking with close friends, etc.

Vivienne Cass, a researcher, proposed “Stages of Coming Out” that include the following:

 

Identity Confusion: “I don’t know, I’m not sure I want to know”

Identity Comparison: “I might be GLB (gay, lesbian, bisexual)”

Identity Tolerance: “OK, I’m probably GLB, I should meet some other GLB folks”

Identity Acceptance: “I am GLB, now what” (accept status vs. just tolerates)

Identity Pride: “I’m here, I’m queer, get used to it”.

Identity Synthesis: “I’m GLB but that is only a part of who I am”.

 

Obviously, these stages are not set in stone, nor are they followed necessarily in order by everyone.

 

Relationship Issues

Just like heterosexual couples, GLBT couples establish long-term committed relationships. And, just like their heterosexual counterparts, they sometimes experience problems in their relationships. Common issues in GLBT partnerships include:

• Difficulty communicating
• Difficulty establishing roles in the relationship
• Difficulty arising when one person is more “out” than another
• Difficulty dealing with extended family problems, i.e. parental homophobia
• Difficulty with sexuality (non-monogamy, lack of desire, etc.)
• Estate planning
• Legal issues

Again, there are a variety of resources to address these issues including books, GLBT organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), and couples counseling.

 

Spirituality/Religious Issues

One definition of spirituality is the relationship that a person has with a higher power. Religion on the other hand, could be defined as the practice of spirituality in a group setting. Often “religious” organizations have beliefs that they share. However, coming out as GLBT can significantly impact/change one’s religious beliefs which may or may not be shared by those with whom you are worshiping. Specifically, many Christian denominations overtly and covertly denounce GLBT persons and or “lifestyles”. Some even ask lifelong members to leave if they choose to live an “out” GLBT lifestyle. Obviously, this can be devastating.

Religious discrimination appears to be changing, with some denominations teaching “love the sinner, hate the sin” and/or sexual celibacy for GLBT persons wishing to remain active in their home churches. While this might be considered forward movement, this approach suggests tolerance rather than acceptance.

However, GLBT persons have choices if they wish to worship as Christians. There are now “open and accepting” churches worldwide. Specifically, www.gaychurch.org lists “Welcoming, Gay Friendly” churches throughout the country which includes most major denominations. Of note, Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) was founded as a Christian church for GLBT and affirming persons and there is an MCC in many major urban areas. Further, there are now opportunities for spiritual direction, ministry and pastoral counseling for persons with GLBT issues both within and without formal religious organizations.

 

Reparative Therapy (Conversion Therapy)

Reparative therapy is a treatment approach marketed as a means of changing sexual orientation. It has been denounced as unethical by all of the leading national therapist organizations including American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, American Counseling Association, and the National Association of Social Workers.

 

Transgender Issues

To identify as “transgender” generally means to realize that that ones “socially assigned” gender is different from their “innate” gender. While “Gender Identity Disorder” is still an available diagnosis, many therapists have stopped treating transgender issues as a mental illness. However, persons dealing with transgender issues can have multiple problems including:

• Coming out
• Surgery options – to have it or not
• Relationship issues
• Work/Society discrimination
• Adjustment difficulties

Again, to address these issues it is important to find someone to talk with that will listen without judgment. If you decide to seek therapy, you will want to ask the therapist up front, if they have experience working with transgendered or questioning persons.

 

Choosing a Therapist

There are many therapists available in most urban areas and often one or two in rural areas. However, not all therapists are without bias. When looking for a therapist, consider asking the therapist about their comfort and experience in working with GLBT persons. Many therapists these days have websites. Look at the website for statements of nondiscrimination, “gay affirming” approaches, rainbow flags, pictures of same sex couples, etc. Don’t be afraid to shop around. If you meet a therapist and the relationship doesn’t feel comfortable for you, just choose another one.

Of note, there are many therapists today who are skilled and qualified to work with GLBT persons who are not themselves gay or lesbian. While there may be times that you will want to see a therapist who has identified as gay or lesbian, in many cases, this is not necessary. If this is an issue for you, when you call to make the appointment, inform the therapist that you are looking for someone who identifies as GLBT. If they are not GLBT, they may know of a therapist in your area who identifies in this manner.