SEX ADDICTION

Sex addiction is most simply an inability to control your sexual behavior. Sexual behavior in this context can be one or all of the following behaviors: masturbation, cybersex, repeated affairs, unsafe sexual activity, strip clubs and adult bookstores, prostitution, pornography, etc.

 

How do I know if my sexual behavior is a problem?

Have you tried to stop your sexual behavior and failed? Have you tried to limit your sexual behavior and failed? Do you spend a good deal of your time thinking about (preoccupation), preparing for, engaging in, and recovering from sexual behavior? Has your sexual behavior caused problems for you? If you answered yes to any of these questions you may have a sex addiction.

 

How do I begin to address my problematic sexual behavior?

The approach discussed here is based on the work by Patrick Carnes.

Initially the solution begins with admitting that there is a problem and deciding that you want to change. Wanting to change is the hard part. Once you have reached this point, improvement is very likely.

The second step might be to establish a support system and learn more about your problem. There are several books in print that will help you define and begin to address your behavior. Further, you will probably need support (friends, 12 step groups, a sponsor) when the time comes to start making the behavioral changes you wish to make.

Most experts then recommend a period of abstinence from all sexual behavior (example is 3 months), while you get your thoughts and priorities together and start to live life without your excessive sexual behavior. When you are ready you may want to begin to make three lists. On list #1 are the behaviors that you feel you must stop in order to begin rebuilding your life. On list #2 are the behaviors that you feel are safe. On list #3 are the behaviors that might lead you to list #1 behaviors, these are “slippery slope” situations in which you will want to be cautious.

Use your supports as you begin to make these changes. Understand that relapse (return to undesirable sexual behavior) is not a failure but a learning opportunity.

Be careful of changing addictions!!! If the acting out behavior that you wish to change is cybersex but you start using printed pornography instead, you have not fixed anything, you've just changed the outward appearance.

 

Is it possible to become addicted to internet pornography?

Yes, it is possible to become addicted to anything that has a mood altering effect. Internet pornography addiction generally manifests by any/all of the following:

• spending a great deal of time looking at porn
• watching porn at work despite the dangers of losing your job
• losing sleep because you are staying up late at night to look at porn
• spending a great deal of money (that you don’t have)
• stopping or cutting back healthy sexual relationships due to porn use

Addressing an internet pornography problem could begin by following the steps outlined above.

A few words about "relationship addiction". The difference between sex addiction and relationship addiction is the focus of the compulsive behavior. If your goal is to capture another relationship, be in another relationship and/or you leave when the relationship gets dull, this appears to be a relationship problem, not necessarily a sexual one. To address this issue, again begins with admitting that there is a problem and deciding that you want to change. Creating a pros and cons list may be helpful. Then, take time away from romantic relationships to learn about yourself and become self sufficient. Learn to be happy with yourself without needing someone else to support your self esteem and happiness. When you are able to be alone and actually enjoy this, you are beginning to get yourself on solid ground.

If you would like more information on sex addiction, I encourage you to go to the website for the Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health http://www.sash.net.